When I mentioned here <see previous post> that I got inspired reading mommy blogs that prompted me to want to make one, I wrote this. But since I was clueless about how to start with a blog, and too busy to learn how to make one, I just posted this on facebook. I am reposting this on this site to give it a more classy, and readable look.
MOTHER'S MUSINGS
Now that both my boys are asleep, it’s time to do what I have been putting off to do – WRITE (naks!) and get it published (on fb wall, at least J )
May is the month for mothers. As Mother’s Day approaches, I begin to be some kind of melodramatic as I realize that this is actually the first time that the rest of the world can greet me a “happy Mother’s Day”! Just how cool is that. I once gave up the possibility that this would ever happen to me.
So there. I’m a mother, but not the conservative, conventional type of a mother. You see, the conservative society has created a super self-sacrificing, and self-depriving picture of a mother – like you’re supposed to do EVERYTHING for your little one, nobody else should, and you have no right to complain because YOU’RE A MOTHER. Well, call me a bad mama if you like, but I defy society’s expectations. It’s not like I haven’t sacrificed enough, but I believe that apart from taking the role as a mother, I am still me.
So I also ‘share’ my responsibilities with my husband—request him to change nappies, ask him to lull the baby to sleep, and have him wake up in the wee hours especially when I feel Iike sleeping a little bit more. I give myself a time out when it becomes too exhausting, insanely boring, and when I feel like it’s beginning to sap the life out of me. Being stuck in the room to breastfeed round the clock is no joke. So sometimes, I leave my son (to my hubby or my sister) and off to the mall I go – I shop (for the baby), I get my hair and nails done, I eat to my heart’s desire, and yeah – devote an hour or two (that’s the longest time I can manage to be away from my baby) to reward myself. This seemingly selfish practice might sound disappointing to some, but with such a herculean responsibility, aren’t we supposed to do something to maintain our sanity? Yes, I’m a mother – not the conservative society’s picture of a mother, but I’m fine with it.
I’m a mother, but not the rule-conscious, OC type of a mother. With all the things I’ve been hearing from here and there – of what to’s and what not’s, I could hardly keep a list. Besides, I find them really confusing, those different practices and theories that originated from different times and places – I get all mixed up and I tend to ask my self “ano ba talaga?!” And so I keep no rules. I use my instincts, after all, don’t they say “mother knows best”?
So yeah, I dress my son up in whatever way I feel like it, I bring him to places whenever I can (with the daddy in tow, of course). At one month, he’s attended a district fellowship, gone to manila via public transportation – with all the people he’s been with, and the places he’s been exposed to, it’s amazing he didn’t get sick; I was down with flu for two days, and despite continuous breastfeeding, he didn’t get my virus (good boy!). Sometimes, I allow him to munch on his fist because he looks so cute when he does that. There are times, I would respond immediately to his cries, and then there are times when I would allow him to let it all out (as long as it’s not end-of-the-world type of scream, and it’s ok with the neighbors) because he makes the funniest facial expression when he cries. It’s a good lung practice too!
I am a mother, the paranoid, doting type of a mother. I watch him when he sleeps to check if he’s still breathing (the SIDS thing is scary) I observe his every changes, and asks google if they’re normal or what. I still am not a master of deciphering his cues, but it’s consoling to know that whatever those cues mean – I am everything that he needs – my touch, my warm embrace, and most especially my milk! Some folks say it’s not good to always carry the baby he might grow up clingy…but aren’t babies supposed to be carried and cuddled? Whatever! Let me just carry him, and hug him, and cuddle him while he still loves it when I do that. I want to savor moments like these because I know they don’t last long. Yes, I’m a mother, the newbie, paranoid type of a mother who doesn’t know the rules – but that’s just fine with me.
I’m a mother. Sometimes I forget to brush my hair, or put some powder and lipstick on. Sometimes, I also miss taking a shower (Oh what a revelation!). Most of the time, my shirt gets spoiled and stinky with pee, and poop, and milk, and “lungad”, but that’s fine with me.
I remember, one time my husband kissed me on the cheek and told me I already smell like a baby, and then I laughed. We both laughed. Because I know what he meant exactly when he said “smell like a baby.” I must admit that sometimes I feel sorry that I can no longer wear some of my fashionable clothes even if they still fit me (yes, they still do, some of them, at least) because now, I should always wear breastfeeding-friendly clothes. Yes, I may be less classy, and sassy because I have become a mother – but that’s just for now (you’ll see,hmp!) and it’s fine with me.
I’m a mother. And it’s been the most amazing, exhilarating (though exhausting), life-changing role I have ever taken, and I thank God for this wonderful blessing, that is motherhood.
Yes, I’m a mother. I’m not your perfect type of a mother. Not even close to being one. I don’t think I will ever be. But that’s just fine with me.
And with this look on my little boy’s face, I’m sure it’s fine with him, too!
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